There is nothing wrong with masturbation. In fact, it’s one of the healthiest and most natural things you can indulge in. A little diddling here and a little fondling there comes as naturally to us as sleeping. But we Indians are not even taught about sex, let alone masturbation. Imagine the reactions to a conversation on masturbation in a society where talking about sex is taboo.
Even the newspaper articles on these topics in our youth used to be full of stuff like – "Excessive masturbation leads to acne and hairy palms." Eeeks! Now how in the world do you expect a 14-year-old boy or girl with raging hormones to feel when they read a headline like this?
Given this current scenario, imagine yourself masturbating in your bedroom the night before your math exam, and dear mummy walking in with ALOO parathas and milk to help her son study. Yes, that’s your cue to die of embarrassment. Getting caught masturbating is mortifying, irrespective of when and where, but getting caught masturbating in India is somehow a 1000 times worse, thanks to masturbation being the big taboo it is in our society.
In honor of International Masturbation Month (yay, it exists!), we asked some of our readers to share their most embarrassing stories about how they were caught masturbating.
1. I was in 10th grade at a convent school when a friend brought a vibrator to class (about 12 years ago), and the only place to get a vibrator back then was Pallika Bazar in Delhi. After borrowing it from her, I decided to try it out that night and was really getting into it when my mother and father suddenly walked into the room. Imagine something going berserk on your vagina while your parents are in the room! And I sat there trying to say no to them as loudly as I could to cover up the humming noise. I don’t think I touched another vibrator for a year after that incident!
2. At the time, way back when we didn’t have cell phones to watch porn, I was horny without a device where I could actually watch porn. So, I got out American Pie and flipped to the scene where the main guy humped the pie. I was humping on one of those huge bolster pillows when my mother walked into my room that very second. I was cumming with my mother watching with a shocked and horrified expression on her face. Awkward, to say the least.
3. Back when I was fifteen or so, I was having a nice little late-night session in my room. This was pre-internet, and I was watching a soft-core VCD. So there I was on my bed, pants around my ankles, dick in hand, waiting for something arousing to happen, and I fell asleep. The next thing I remember is waking up with my dick in my hand. Only now was the door wide open. It was Sunday, and I could hear the rest of my family moving about the house. I think my grandparents were also visiting at the time. I have no idea which family member saw me like that. I never want to recall this incident again.
4. A couple of years back, on one of the nights, I was touching myself down there, diddling away to glory, under the covers, when my dad walked in! He looked at my face and asked me what I was doing, and all I could think and say was that I had an allergy and was scratching a rash. He went out and came back with an ointment and waited for me to put it on. Needless to say, there was no cumming that night.
5. Last summer, I was staying at my grandparents' house, and one morning, around 5 a.m., I decided to watch some porn and get it on. When my grandmother walked in, I was jacking away to glory. She ran away, came back, and started getting hysterical, took me to a temple and shared this story with all the pundits, who then went on to cleanse me. The worst day of my life.
6. This was way back in college, I had come home for the summer vacation and there were all these cousins staying over. I hadn’t had a wank in ages, and when I finally got some time alone, I decided to watch some good old porn and satisfy myself. This was at 3 am. I was jerking off when I heard a little giggle. The scariest moment of my life! I didn’t know whether I wanted it to be a person or a ghost. I found my 6 year old cousin near the cupboard, who then ran out screaming that I was touching my peepee.
7. My friend’s husband walked in on her fondling herself a couple of months after their marriage. Like all Indian men, he was shocked and ashamed. My awesome friend told him to stand by and take notes. Respect!
8. My husband was travelling and my 3-year-old was asleep when I decided to use a vibrator on myself. Suddenly, my toddler comes into my room crying and gets into my bed. I fell asleep with him, and a couple of hours later, I got up to him, using the vibrator to tickle the dog.
9. I was staying over at a friend's place, and both of us fell asleep after a couple of glasses of wine. I got up suddenly to hear her moaning. She was having phone sex and getting off on it. Never went back.
10. I once woke myself up because I was fingering myself in my sleep. My brother was in the SAME room and was just sitting there completely aghast--- It was more than just embarrassing for me.
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We have lubes, dildos, vibrators, fake pussies, and everything you might need when you’re in the mood for some self-loving!
CELEBRATE THE INTERNATIONAL MASTURBATION MONTH!