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When Rihanna said, “Sticks and stones maybe break my bones but chains and whips excite me” she was not the only one who felt that way. Movies like Fifty Shades of Grey, Netflix’s show Bonding or that one segment in Too Hot To Handle, have definitely sparked intrigue amongst those who’ve been curious about BDSM. Or even sadomasochism.
First things first,
What is BDSM and Sadomasochism?
Sexual activity involving practices such as the use of physical restraints, the granting and relinquishing of control, and the infliction of pain is termed BDSM. In simple words, it is an all-inclusive term given to kinky sexual behaviour. From the get-go, this can seem a little extreme, but the practice of BDSM can be very exciting through consent, communication and mutual satisfaction.
Scratching, whipping, binding, tying, spanking, blindfolding, and more are fair play in this world. It’s what BDSM stands for.
BDSM, when broken down, represents the 6 steps that play in the world of BDSM.
The acronym is broken down like; BD-DS-SM.
- BD stands for Bondage and Discipline.
- DS stands for Dominance and Submission
- SM stands for Sadism and Masochism.
It’s not necessary to enjoy or participate in all 6 activities at once or together but they can complement each other while also being experimented upon separately with the necessary safety measures.
Bondage
At the risk of sounding repetitive, Fifty Shades of Grey is enlighten the mass with a particular part of BDSM, Bondage. Contrary popular belief, it doesn’t cover every terminology in the BDSM space, but it sure does give us a fun insight on what bondage is.
The textbook definition of bondage is to physically restrain or to be physically restrained by ones sexual partner using ropes, tapes, or if you feel fancy even a satin scarf. Bondage is an activity that falls under BDSM, that being said, it’s fair to assume multiple people have engaged in this activity without it specifically being a BDSM activity. The experience is enjoyable and feels mild compared to a lot of other things. Enjoying the act of bondage is normal and many people do like the feeling of helplessness or playing the master in sexual scenarios. The power one holds knowing everything and anything is fair play (with consent) can make such activities very exciting while also being a pleasure high. The receiver finds an orgasmic thrill in letting go of any and all inhibitions as they leave everything to their ‘master’. For many, the act of bondage helps with their confidence in bed. The ‘master’ becomes more aware and alert while also taking charge of the situation they are in while the partner, feels more relaxed and disciplined rather than getting in over their head. Both the players get to feel different than what they usually feel in bed in a safe and judgement-free environment. Bondage is a great way for partners and individuals to learn how to slow down and be present in the moment.
Discipline
In BDSM, there are two roles at play- Submissive and Dominant. Sub and Dom for short, you may have also heard of top and bottom. The submissive is the one that submits to the dominant. The dom sets rules and actions for the sub to follow before indulging in any activity. The rules are set prior to the act, these rules can be anything you want as long as they are discussed with the partner. You can add rules like “YOU (Sub) may not come without MY (Dom) permission.” or “After every orgasm, the sub must thank their master.” if these rules are broken, the Dom can discipline or punish the sub as they seem fit. Spanking, and mild slapping, are different forms of discipline.
A fun way to explore this is through roleplay. Playing a teacher and student can often help with the power dynamics discipline requires. Some spanking could be exciting every time your student forgets their homework. It’s important to discuss safe words with your partner so the act can be played out smoothly. You can take your punishments a bit further through psychological punishments like humiliation or verbal flagellation.
Domination & Submission
Discipline and Domination may feel similar but are different. Discipline is specific to punishment while domination gives one the right to act on certain behaviours that exercise control and power. Many partners often have a submissive and dominant relationship, it may happen without any thought. The act of domination allows one to explore the same inside the bedroom with consent. The dominant gets to control and navigate their partner’s sexual experience through the act of bondage and discipline, they play the role of someone who makes decisions. They can slow down your orgasm or even make you beg for it.
You may be someone who expresses dominance in the outside world, but you may not be the same inside the bedroom and vice versa. A dom can make their subs do sexual activities or even basic chores that would result in sexual gratification and thrill.
Domination and submission go hand in hand. The sub like to submit to the dom while letting go of control. Or rather, they love getting their control being taken away. The power exchange can be extremely rewarding and sexually gratifying. To elevate the sub-dom relationship, you incorporate ankle and wrist restraints or even blindfold while the dom performs sexual activities with a vibrator or ball-gag on them. These activities stop the sub from touching themselves while giving away their power to their dom.
They are the receivers of the dom’s punishments.
Sadism and Masochism
Sadism is the act of getting sexual gratification from inflicting pain on others. Sounds a bit rough and cruel, doesn’t it? But that's not the case, the BDSM community have reclaimed sadism and masochism to be represented as a good thing, while acknowledging consent and safety.
In order to experiment with sadism, toys like whips, flaggers, and spank boards, will come in hand. You can take it further with nipple clamps too. Punishment and humiliation can ensure sexual pleasure to a sadist.
Now that we know what a sadist is, it brings us to masochism. Like a dom and sub, when there’s a giver, there’s always a receiver. A masochist is one who finds pleasure in having pain inflicted on them. They find sexual pleasure in being whipped or humiliated. You can also explore masochism alone by using nipple clamps on yourself.
Tips to Remember While Exploring BDSM
- Maintain a safe word.
- Discuss and ask for consent.
- Communicate with your partner (and vice versa) on what your boundaries are while you’re at it, also talk about what you expect to receive by the end of it.
- If your partner isn’t interested in BDSM, do not force it. Discuss what is comfortable and take it slow from there.
- Group situations would require more rules, awareness, consent and care. Everyone should be on the same page.
- Do not mix alcohol with BDSM. Substances can numb the pain threshold for someone and can result in serious damage.
Sex is meant to be fun and enjoyable for the people involved. BDSM can be a fun way to experiment and get kinky but don’t get ahead of yourself if you’re not comfortable.
